I have to let go...it hurts more than you know

You waited til I walked out the door to say, you know I love you right. If you have to even say that then clearly I don't know. You abandoned me, you stood by a perception that was completely wrong. I envied how everyone went to links to help, protect, and listen to his lies. Even you.... you turned your head away from me when I needed you most. I'm not perfect, I have done wrong and I have acknowledged, corrected and came to terms for my wrongs. But I didn't deserve your Abandonment.  It hurts but I'm numb, cause even with all this I've been happier with one's who stayed. If you can't even listen then my heart stopped and flat lined to you. I have the family and friends that I need, love and who stand by ME. It's just hard to say good bye, maybe you will see one day, but then you can't revive that love you abandoned. I have to let go.... if you could only see

Perception

Im a person who believes in forgiveness. I don't believe in the type that says they forgive and they keep bringing up the past every time something goes wrong. To many times that has happened to me and I hated the feeling. People, individuals, can change. A past isn't forgotten but forgiven. So please do not question the people in my life right now, they are here for a reason.

Forgiveness is earned, I do believe. But, a relationship cant move forward until you truly forgive. This chapter of my life has been rough. People questioning my actions or what actions I did not take. Everyone easily jumps to believe, any rumors, because thats who I used to be. They don't pay attention to what my life has been about the past few years. Yes, I have made mistakes as a parent and or an individual. I take responsibility for what I have done wrong. I know, and the true people who have been around me know, what I haven't done. What I have learned the most is that the ones who have stood by me....Who have said 'yes you have made mistakes, but you are not these things' ...... are the ones that really see me. People will only see what they want to see, people will judge and make assumptions from what they hear from others mouths. Perception and judgement will show you quickly who surrounds you. 

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

See Me

I wonder when you see me
Do you just come when I don't notice?
Are you there for the moments when 'I say you would be proud'
Do you appear when I'm asking for strength
Can you feel when my heart is heavy
Does my voice carry you to wherever I am
Can you come unexpected, so I know you care
Will you stay away, so I miss you
Why do you stay invisible when I feel you near
You are not a part of me.....
But I'm the part of you , you left to finish
Are the answers placed, by you, in my dreams
The promise we made; was made in time......
......For you to See Me

Goodbye written Dec 2012

If you had the chance to say good bye...would you tell them how much you love them. Or would you bargain with every apology that crossed your mind. Would you laugh and tell 'remember when...' stories just to ease your mind.
If you had the chance to say goodbye... would silence be your strength;
Or would crying ease the pain.
If you had a chance to say goodbye would you mend all the hurt that once stood in the way; or try to understand why.
Would you try to buy more time or accept the future;
Will just a goodbye suffice.
If you had the chance to say goodbye to me, what would you say?
Would it leave me vulnerable to never regain.
Would you make me keep a promise?
Or will you just make it short and sweet and say...... see ya later.

Dreams

With my new job opportunity that has been enduring and challenging,, handling young troubled juveniles everyday. I have embarked on a new way of using my obsessive analytical tendencies to help others. then on the other hand it has made me understand and even analyze my own juvenile days. Lately, well not even but ongoing, I have always released a lot of my stress in my dreams. I have always found my dreams to be an insight to what I am trying to tell myself self consciously; or more so my escape to get things out of my head so I do not drive myself crazy. I usually can make sense of what my dreams are telling me but I have a reoccurring dream that are different scenarios but always same location. I have dreamt many times of myself being in the house I grew up in. I have dreamt of randomly visiting that house with friends; I have dreamt of snakes covering that house. I even dreamt of my dead brother being at that house and talking to me, asking me why. As for people who know me, my brother who passed did not live in that house, but yet with my biological mother. So why would I dream of him in that house? Why is it every time I dream of whatever scenario it is night time? The memories in that house I do not like to remember, it brings a cold sense to my heart. I'm sure there were some good memories from that life, not just bad memories and lessons. I need to find an understanding to why I keep dreaming of this place. My brain keeps bringing it up but my heart has put a lock on it. Many times I have had therapist tell me that its good for me to dream of life and what I'm dealing with at the time, its good insight to what I'm blocking. I guess until I let go of whatever it is my brain is telling me. I will keep dreaming of this place.

Its All About

Its all about the love we give, the understanding we seek, Acceptance we want, patience we do not have, and the blessings we live. Take all situation waves like birthday gifts. We change for the better, forever just to forget and leave the worst behind. Take a breathe of excitement like there's no tomorrow. Look at the past, you let pass away and try to smile at its wake. We walk away from what we can not be changed and accept it.

Its not what you know, but what you can Prove

In the US justice isn’t the concept of moral rightness based on ethics, rationality, law, natural law, religion, and or fairness. It’s not the creation between right and wrong, but the creation of human. I have learned in my few endeavors with law that it’s not what is right but what you can prove.
This leaves room for enormous error in our society. It is created to protect, not the well being of mankind, but for the interest of the strong. We leave our ‘fate’ in lawyer’s hands to decide our outcome. We leave our fate into the statutes of the United States. We have created a system that has failed too many times. It’s not about simply proving what should be right, but finding a loop hole, statute or to just simply win a case. Do not get me wrong but the system does has its positives in protecting us, but it has become too much of a job to lawyers. It has taken something that is to be here to protect and turned it into a system that needs to be over ride. It’s about how the system can work for you. Like everything else in the world it’s not so cut and dry. But I do state this; don’t allow a lawyer to decide your own fate. You, us, know our case better than anyone. We can prove our case better than any lawyer. A lawyer gets caught up in the game of chess and not the details of the circumstances. Hard work and research goes a long way